All of us have grown through a childhood, which we’ll agree is very different from the kind of childhood, our children are currently experiencing. Many of us have played in the outdoors more when we were growing, we may have had more freedom to roam the streets and visit the homes of friends and family freely and even had much lesser material things than children have today.

In sharp contrast, the challenge that most children face today (yes, it is a challenge for them!) is lesser human interaction, more digital interaction and more things to indulge themselves in. It is thus obvious that their attention has shifted from people to things, from personal to technological experiences; leading them to feel more self-absorbed, indulgent and isolated from others.

It is rare for a child to know what they are missing out on, on their own. But if like me, you’ve wondered what you could do as a parent to improve such a state of being, then read on.

A balance needs to be brought into children’s lives, and as a parent you can be a source of this balance. Like adults, children have emotional, psychological, intellectual, social and spiritual needs that a parent can provide their child to some extent. These needs will change shape and form as a child grows older, but the fundamentals surrounding these needs will always stay the same, no matter how old your child is. Let’s understand these.

Get real, stay real

As adults we have our own insecurities and worries, yet function in our daily lives and even express these insecurities and worries in some form. Sometimes we may be aware of these, work on it and overcome them. At other times, we may ignore and even be in denial of them.

Comparison with others is one such insecurity that most us put ourselves through. Many of us still struggle to wholly accept ourselves whilst working at areas that we want to improve. When we compare ourselves to others, we are in essence devaluing ourselves. And we build a cumulative effect, when we unknowingly teach our children to do the same. It is thus important that as parents we first ‘get real’ about our insecurities and anxieties, working on those we want to; and appreciating ourselves whilst we’re at it. It is only then that we can model these attitudes to our children. So if for instance if you’re upset that you’re not appreciated enough at home, be assertive and speak about it to the rest of the family. Not only will you be helping yourself by doing so but you will also be teaching your child that assertiveness is important and valuable to practice.

There are some parents who often worry of the demands their children are making on them and some even drive themselves crazy trying to meet these demands. However, do step back and realize that substituting your presence for material goods is certainly not the answer. Moreover, fulfilling each of your child’s needs is only going to make them more demanding and less adjusting towards life. What your child needs is your unadulterated attention, even if it’s just an hour each day. This hour can be spent indulging in pure family fun, playing board-games, dancing and singing silly songs or just discussing matters that are bothering anyone in the family. Building warmth and care into your family relationships go a long way into improving the family’s mental health and happiness.

Model behaviours you want to see. Your child is constantly watching you.

If ever you’ve felt unfair treatment meted out to you, would you be tempted to be unfair to that person in return too. Yes! At times, you certainly would. You’re human to feel like this. (Remember, previously we recognized that you can have your own flaws and insecurities.) Yet if you allow better sense to prevail, it’ll tell you that such a method is not the best way to handle a conflict. Further you wouldn’t want to be seen behaving in such a way by your child.

Children do what they see, not what they’re told. So if you feel a value like ‘treating others kindly’ is important in order that you lead a happy life, you have to practice this in your life too before you expect your child to practice this. For example, you are having a meal with your children at a food court and may treat poorly the staff that help you there, do remember that there are little pairs of eyes watching you do the same. They are observing you and will probably use your mode of treatment on others in a similar role. So like Mahatma Gandhi said “Be the change you want to see”.

You may be a HR manager or a technical engineer at some top firm, whatever be the role you play, you can emulate positive responsibility and ethics into your work. Not only will it fill you with a sense of pride but it will also be caught on like a virus by your child. This positive virus will then infect your child in his daily living. Thus from a very young age, you would have already sowed the seeds of positive living within your child.

Spending within a budget and within one’s needs is another quality that parents can teach their children through practicing these qualities in their own lives. Teaching children about budgets and savings from an early age where they have some understanding of these terms can be of good use to them as they get older too. So they can watch how the family budget is prepared and create a personal budget for their own expenses, seeking guidance when required by their parents.

Treating your child like you would want to be treated.

Often we forget that our children are also humans trying to understand the same world we live in, in their own unique way. We talk down to them, dominate them, unreasonably scold them, forgetting the fact that we would never like being treated the way we treat our children. It’s as if for those few minutes we are unreasonable and cruel to them, we have forgotten to empathize with them and forgotten to treat them like we would like to be treated.

Let us remember, that when we look back on our own childhood, we wished our parents had parented us differently in some aspects. Your children may be feeling the same too. For example, if you don’t like being talked down to without a proper discussion of what led you to act in a certain way; don’t you feel your child deserves a chance to have a discussion too? When was the last time you asked your child if they felt you treated them reasonably (setting aside the unreasonable expectations they may have from you)?

Choosing behaviors as a parent that are beneficial to your child

Each of us would define ‘parenting’ differently. Some would believe their own parents’ method of parenting works fine. Some would turn to books and friends for advice. Still others would innovate and think of their own methods. Whatever be the case, remember that the method must take into consideration your own unique child’s personality and must have a positive outcome on the child, in the long run.

If your child is having a meltdown/tantrum at home, you as a parent have a choice then to centre yourself first and address the problem that is causing your child to behave that way or you can choose a quick fix and lash out at your child for their ‘bad behaviour’. The choice, as a parent is always in your hand even if you believe you are helpless in the moment. This said, be gentle with yourself in those moments where you lashed out at your child…because you are allowed mistakes as a human. But be alert and don’t allow mistakes to turn into a habit. You have after all chosen a ‘parental role’ and made a commitment towards another person’s nurturance and growth.